I need to Smile!!!

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Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on February 13, 2009 at 10:20am

The New CEO

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on February 13, 2009 at 10:08am

Nascar News:

JEFF GORDON HIRES HARLEM YOUNGSTERS

The decision to hire Harlem youngsters was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech specialized equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on February 5, 2009 at 10:35am

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on February 3, 2009 at 11:30am

The Madam opened the brothel door and saw a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you" the madam asked?
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No," said the man,"I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, afterwhich the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money and the two went up to the room.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you this $3,000.

MORAL --- Some things in life are certain: Death, Taxes, and being Screwed by an Attorney.

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on February 3, 2009 at 11:13am

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my
entire career.

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on January 30, 2009 at 2:16pm

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on January 30, 2009 at 2:10pm

LITLE OLD LADY~

> There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped
> onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE
> THE LORD!'
>
> One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
> He became irritated at the little old lady.
> Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell:
'THERE
> IS NO LORD!'
>
> Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
>
> One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
> her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no
> food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
>
> The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two
huge
> bags of groceries sitting there.
>
> 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
>
> The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
> 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
>
> The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE
THE
> LORD!
> HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on January 30, 2009 at 2:09pm

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
It under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
Open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
Together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Comment by Natacha Fitzwater on January 30, 2009 at 2:08pm

Cardboard Men

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.


She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.



Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,



'What's going on here?



''My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly



'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.



'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!

Comment by Holly Hall on January 7, 2009 at 6:56pm

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